Fear (or how I tried trust, for just a quick second)
Teen drivers, but with a side of trust, amiright?
I’m not sure where it started, but ever since I have had driving teens (the last one just got her permit), I have had a fear about carloads of teens driving and getting into an accident.
It’s the stuff of parenting nightmares, for reals.
So when my teens have had the chance to get picked up by another teen driver, I have always said no. I’ll go pick you up, I say. No matter how late or how much the Teen Driver is ‘a very safe driver!’
It’s that newspaper headline I’m avoiding, ya know?
I’ve been able to manage the circumstances pretty well and with my youngest graduated, I just have a few more months of summer to get through, with all of my fear intact.
And I kid you not, as I write this, my teen is in a car with 3 other teens.
(Photo by Antonino Visalli on Unsplash-thanks!)
The text started with, ‘Is it okay if So-in-So Teen drives me partway so Carpool Parent doesn’t have to drive so far? Carpool Parent has already said yes! :)’
Oh gosh.
Call me, I texted back.
I’m afraid, I’m afraid, I’m afraid…
And boy did I dump fear all over my Teen. I could’ve put my foot down and requested that the Carpool Parent go the full distance, as I had when I dropped them off, and I know that Parent would’ve been happy to do so.
And I am holding the headline Fear at bay. What is fear screaming versus what is wisdom speaking?
‘She’s a really good driver, even her mom (who I adore and trust) says so!’
‘I promise to help her drive, we will buckle up, no music, and no one will be distracting.’
And it’s not about the Teen Driver so much as just the years less of experience driving and with other people’s kids in the car.
I’m afraid, I’m afraid, I’m afraid…
I go back and forth on okaying this or not. Wisdom, in the form of my husband (who never overreacts as much as I would like him to at times like these) says he thinks it’s okay for the Teen Driver to bring the kids part way.
I’m afraid, I’m afraid, I’m afraid.
I stop and breathe and try to figure out if there is Wisdom speaking in my body to advise caution, or if it’s Fear - ever-present at moments like this. I don’t even have to try to drum it up—it rises up so easily, it should be scary.
(Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash-thanks!)
It’s hard to sort them out - Wisdom and Fear. I pray. I breathe. I decide it’s not a good idea. I am struggling to keep the feeling of fear at bay long enough to think and listen.
By now the kids are standing at the car, my Teen asking about a final decision.
And this was when I embraced with utter certainty the fact that I could not fear myself into trying to control this situation. I know that while Teen Driver has many less years of experience, it was also just as possible that something could happen when I was driving the teens around. That’s why they’re called accidents-because no one plans for them.
While I would like to think that if I was in control of the car all would be well, what I really was believing was that if I was in control of the car, that then I was in control over everything.
That.I.was.in.control.of.everything.
Me driving and there being an accident would only change the headline, not the event. Yes, statistics and facts about experienced drivers and teen drivers are to be noted, but how arrogant am I to think I am impervious to mistakes and the impact of bad things.
I was deluding myself about where the control is, because it is not with me. I just like it when I think I have it. Of course. Welcome to being human.
But I don’t have it.
I am afraid, I am afraid, I am afraid that I cannot protect my kids at all times. That I cannot control the world around them to insure safe passage, always. That horrible and tragic things happen in this world I cannot control and that it might happen to us.
So for a short moment, I let the fear roll off of me and let it go to wherever fear crawls to when it’s not on me. I stood and breathed and believed for a moment that I could not control anything more about this car ride. And that it would be okay.
I let go, I let go, I let go…
The version of me who was afraid wasn’t any more right than the version of me who decided to trust (for just a quick second). But my heart wasn’t pounding, and I didn’t feel so weak and anxious.
I breathed. I decided that trust (for just a quick second) looked like NOT tracking her car ride.
It’s a weird distinction what I choose to have trust in and what I don’t. It doesn’t change if something is actually trustworthy or not, just what I choose to be afraid about.
FYI, she just pulled in the driveway, having been passed off to the Carpool Parent a bit ago.
Fear looks like me clenched and small and anxious.
Trust looks like a deep breath and open hands and peace. (Just for a quick second.)
If I can choose either (and I can), I wonder how to not choose fear so often?